September Years

Growing up, I always had this odd thought in my head that a person like me (or just me) is not supposed to get certain things in life. I honestly don't know why, growing up with so much self-deprecating humor or what, but it's been a major thing that I deal with. With that, in a positive-sense, I've matured to find gratitude in all things. "Holy crap, I'm really alive this year, this month, this week, this morning!"
Using this as perspective, this month alone has been crazy. I came home to South Dakota, and was greeted to so much love and positivity from my friends and relatives. Indian Country Today had an article on me about my music videos, reaching something over 1,000 likes, shares, comments on facebook alone. I got to go to Crazy Horse School in Wanblee, SD to perform for and speak with students about life, bullying, suicide, hardship, and perseverance. I was blessed with being in first place for Native Trailblazer Radio's "Fan Favorite" on their annual #JuneJamz. There are a few other things in the works that I'm still waiting on talking about, but just wow already. I'm so happy and grateful for everything.
At the same time, though, I must be real in saying it's been a mental/emotional struggle too. Creating art like this and releasing it is a process of heavy-confronting therapy with mass amounts of flooding exercises. You see, flooding is usually done on those with phobias. In order to help get over a deep fear of, say going on an elevator, flooding would involve repeatedly going on that elevator (maybe first with the therapist or with assistance, and then by oneself) over and over and over again until that feeling of fear begins to leave enough to wear the person can function and live a happier life without this obstacle in the way. I say that this creating and releasing and speaking is like therapy with a weird addition of flooding because it's constantly being as real as possible and bringing these memories and thoughts up to the forefront again. To directly confront my biggest demons and present it for whoever to see. I do this because I do not want to act as though I am a "Superman" having defeated all my demons and everything is all gravy today, because that's not the truth. I am a martyr for truth, and in that, I feel it necessary to tell my entire story when speaking on resilience and pushing beyond. It gets tough, especially now that I'm home, because that flooding that was once done so far away from its source is now in the belly of the beast that once was.
The good part is that I'm in a different place today. I'm not a helpless kid anymore, I can make my way and change things for the better. I've been trying hard not to make mistakes thus far, but of course, nobody is perfect, and that sounds just perfect to me. Messing up or making the wrong decisions at times has kept me unjaded and has reminded me of who I want to be and that I'm nowhere near done yet, I can't "leave" yet so to speak. I just want to see my people and relatives happy while trying to be a little selfish in helping myself too, even if it's incredibly tough. I'm lucky to have brothers and sisters and friends out there to talk with about these things, which I advise anyone to create for themselves. None of us are invulnerable, we all need someone to listen once in a while. Extremes of one side or the other are never healthy. I'm trying my best not to feel bad about saying things, which is why I may be getting to a therapist soon so I don't have to trouble the ones I love anymore like that or worry them; whether or not that's actually the truth I just feel that way sometimes.
Anyways, I feel myself pushing on beyond those September Years I felt back in '12 or '13. I'm growing and trying my hardest to take the hits better. With doing my best to spread love I see it coming back, which is crazy. I never do anything with thoughts of it coming back to me, ever. So this is seriously nuts. Thank you to everyone who stands by me and supports. I still don't know how to take it all in yet, haha. Wopila Tanka, and be happy and safe out there. As someone who has always been challenged with anxiety and depression, I can confidently say that there can not exist bad without the good, just as we cannot expect to have good without the bad. The world doesn't get crazier, we just see more of it, but in seeing more if its craziness, we see more of its beauty.
"Keep ya head up." - Tupac Shakur