My Suicidal Ideation 1 Year Ago

This kind of a thing is never that easy to talk about, which is why I've been pushing myself to talk about it for years and years, through both music, writing, and anything else I do. Why? Because I have a real passion towards not making thoughts and mental health the repressed/shame-based issue that it has been over so many years.
When I was growing up, I remember there being a real bad time around the rez where teens were dying nearly weekly in such a small area from suicide. As I got older, I began to experience seeing peers and friends close to me die too, from suicide or something that was ultimately induced by having nobody around (or feeling like it, due to that whole repression and shame issue). I remember an elder one day talking about it before a prayer at the school. He said, "It's no wonder. We as adults need to understand that we have to show our children unconditional love, and to stop treating them like criminals. It seems that the only time you hear about the good of our youth, is during their eulogy. Everyone gathers at their wake and says all of the good things that they weren't able to when they were here. Let's start showing each other love now, and not when they have passed into the spirit world."
Hearing that back then made me think real hard about myself. You see, I was going through that depression, too. Due to the nature of my struggles, and how extended family will have this *hold* on privacy, I knew that I couldn't speak too specifically about my personal issues and what I was facing. So, to the rest of the class (and to me, the world), I felt that nobody ever took my sadness seriously. I was an emo kid in the shell of a wanna-be rapper (quite the makeup, right?).
As I got into college and pushed really hard for myself, I managed to explore my soul through music. Some people in the rap game will tell you, "A rapper must first know themselves, before they can make points in the world." I didn't see it like that, and I still kinda don't. To me, the beauty of music and the way I made it was that I could grow and change thoughts/advance my stances, but that I could still ultimately stay myself. My identity is established, but my self grows, if that makes sense. And through this self-searching through music, I've managed to confront my personal issues more and more over the years.
It hasn't all been grand and lavish, though. I mean, y'all know me financially lol (I'm in fear of that inevitable overdraft once again lol jk). But I mean in terms of reception and self-acceptance. I've lashed out at myself over the years, and I've been lashed at for expressing my true thoughts and expression, but I'm okay with that. What I am not okay with is seeing youth in the same places where I was limited due to "levels of appropriateness" and "severity of language". It really pisses me off that an adult will have all the focus honed in on control and obeying "social norm" as they simultaneously sideswipe the real issues and stories that youth are trying to convey. Some may combat this with "but it's not even that deep." and that's part of the problem - you aren't giving them chances to learn how to make it deep and grow. How can we teach "growth from failure" with such a demonizing attitude? Look at the art and musics of history, for example, even the most "mundane" and "ignorantly explicit" material has a core spirit, some sort of originating thought or meaning placed behind it. I'm a firm believer that nothing in this world is meaningless (for better or for worse).
So, today, I choose not to hold back in my art at all. I may still present it in somewhat of a self-deprecatingly shy way, but ultimately when I write and make beats it is with the intent to express whatever I am feeling and have fun - even if the topics aren't as fun.
With all of that, I thought it'd be a good time to just reflect on this song "Talk To Me" and the below skit "Depression" - both which released on separate albums around one year ago. The verses in "Talk To Me" are all true occurrences. I was on my way alone to a gig one day, and considered speeding up to about 95 to jump out of the vehicle and crash (more than once). Another time, I kept looking at/playing with my pocket knife, thinking about self-harm. And a few other experiences of ideation all occurred around that time of the year. I was going through a lot of thoughts and changes, and I just didn't know how to handle it. However, it was the self-help and talk that kept me sane in those times. To talk with others about it and just be straight up, like, "Hey, I think I need an ear." - even if it was just through text or something (I won't out anyone who I rattled off to out of respect for them lol).
The "Depression" skit was what I truly felt about depression. It seemed like this controlling and abusive partner in my life that just wouldn't leave. An agent, set to keep track of me and instill anxiety and fear in my heart. It felt like even in times where I stood tall for myself and spoke loudly, it just wouldn't go away. And the truth is that I still do deal with depression sometimes (it creeps up for no reason once in a while), I am not perfect - there is no "there once was, but now it is greener!" fairytale - and that's positive in my eyes. Because no matter what I am not ashamed of that struggle anymore, and I feel like I've been doing my very best to combat it since last year in more healthier and optimistic ways. I'm kinda proud of my recovery.
In any case, with everything happening around me lately, I figured it'd be good to return to this blog really quick and type this all out in true-bazille "stream of consciousness" style. One year ago things were so different. Three years ago things were SO different. However, I have fond memories too, and I'm thankful for my journey. Ultimately I'm happy for the progress of today, and am looking forward to keeping on to tomorrow.
I hate ever being preachy, so sorry if this came out that way a little - but just a thought: it'd be great to see people okay with what they are feeling. Where things weren't so controlling on each side, and not so demonizing on either side either. I feel like we can all work towards being better listeners AND better talkers too. The cool thing about life is, is that we are all common and we are all simultaneously growing in our own ways. I like that.